I showed up at the church and waited my turn for confession. At one point I considered lying to the preacher but I never had before now. I thought I was a proper wife and mother. I thought the small pleasures I got in bed were all there was it it. Oh but I thought wrong.
The only issue with it wasn’t my husband that showed me. No, it was someone I hardly knew. Shameful to admit to a priest. We had not gone all the way but now I craved more. I had for days. Unable to get the thought of his teeth biting my shoulder out of my mind.
I should not be craving more. Yet I desired it so bad I could taste it. I wanted to explore. To feel more like a woman that I ever had before. As I sat waiting I knew I needed to let this out. These desires that had suddenly found me. Just thinking back to what had happened I felt myself get wet in the pew.
In a church! How could I be so low as to feel this here? Looking up at the few others that were sitting in pews I felt like I could feel their judgment. Looking down I pulled out my rosary and tried to focus my prayers. Five minutes of that and I felt like I was back under control. Then I heard the confessional door open and a man leaving before going to the back of the pews and kneeling to do his penice.
I wondered how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers I might get here at church for these impure thoughts. For letting another man near enough to tempt me. Finishing reciting my prayers in the quiet church as I moved the beads between my fingers I heard the doors open again. Nervous I stand up and make my way to it. Going in I started.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.”
At this the priest asked me what sins I had to confess.
“Father I have recently let another man touch me. I am a married woman and have never had impure thoughts outside my marriage. I had been at a party with some of my friends. My husband was working late so it was just me. I had some to drink and I just, oh I can’t possibly go on.”
As he recited I was in a safe space in this church I had to talk a calming breath. Just thinking about what had happened I felt myself getting damp again. How shameful of a woman was I to be getting wet in a church. That was for a wanton woman not me. Oh what had he done to me. Taking a deep breath I listened to the father ask me what specifically had I done to consider adultery one of my sins today.
I had to get this out no matter how shameful. I needed to confess my sins to the priest and maybe I would stop craving what he had done to me. Maybe I’d stop craving the feeling of his teeth bruising my skin as he’d bit down on my shoulder.
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If you like this story you should check out my previous blog Pregnancy can be fun.